Wednesday, May 2, 2007

A Couple of Movie Reviews

Salo: 101 Days of Sodom

Never, ever, watch this movie. I mean never ever. EVER. Me & a couple of friends only got through it by sheer force of "well, at least we can say we watched the whole thing". Whoever made this despicable piece of cellufilth eye-rape should be hunted down and crushed feet first under a steamroller, then covered in killer bees, set on fire, and launched into the galactic core. I'd say he should be fired into the Sun, as is my normal schtick, but then the lifegiver of our solar system would be forever stained. The galactic core contains a black hole which will send the steamrolled, killer bee-covered, fiery Italian (aren't they always Italian?) into another dimension or plane of existance or some damned thing. I'd feel better about that.

Cannibal Holocaust

You must also never, ever NEVER see this movie.

If there is a many-armed evil Demon God of filthy hippies, then this is his favorite movie. Now you might think that a movie that eventually shows filthy hippies being killed and eaten is a good thing (sure makes me smile) but ooooooooooohhhh no, it's not.

This movie lacks the aura of sheer evil of Salo above, but it makes up for it by making you feel as if you are participating in the cinematic equivalent of eating a pile of week-old kitchen garbage. The jagoff that made this one should also be subjected to ignominious punishments - maybe something fun like being pounded into jam with a couple of those big carnival "strongman bell ringer" wooden hammers with the splintery corners, or pressure-sieved through a chain-link fence. The real world has actually seen fit to take a swipe at the guy, as he fought and lost an obscenity trial in his native land of, you guessed it, Italy (now, come on, you know you were thinking it), after the movie was made. Sadly, the sentencing did not involve any big wooden hammers or chain-link fences, just the forced destruction of all known copies and prints of the thing, which was eventually reversed anyway.


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