Sunday, February 7, 2016

Attack of the Killer 1985

I have been assimilated.

Now that I have seen it, I can formally partition my life into BKF ("Before I saw Kung Fury), and AKF ("After I saw Kung Fury") sections.

Find 30 spare minutes.  Then watch this.  All of it.

Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Star Wars VII

No spoilers.

From the trailers and posters I figured it wasn't a movie for me.  I was probably going to just wait for the BluRay.

But then my buddy asked me to take him to his early AM colonoscopy appointment, and afterwards he bought me breakfast and took us to the new Star Wars movie.

The experiences were similar.

After a few weeks of contemplation, and having only seen Cloverfield, the first Trek abomination, and TFA, I type the following:

To me, JJ Abrams is the knock-knock joke of moviemaking.  His stuff is watchable because I'm vaguely interested in seeing how it works out, but the dread outweighs the anticipation, and the dread is always rewarded.

Sunday, January 24, 2016

These Kids Today, My Elddaz!

You gotta figure that for at least the first 500 years, whenever Elrond heard remnants of the Dunedain refer to Amon Sul as "Weathertop", it was the equivalent of me hearing "I'll meet you at the Amonizzle Shizzle".

Wednesday, December 30, 2015

Joe the Cat Final Meow

Today was Joe the Cat's sign off.  He had a great run (14 years) but in the end the combo of diabetes and kidney and spleen issues was too much.  He had another bad day and night yesterday so I made the call and took him in this afternoon.

Thanks to everyone who's fed him, scritched him, had their blood sucked by him, cooed over him, nearly been suffocated by him, had their lap warmed by him, rescued rubber bands from him, snatched dice away from him, or sneezed out dander from him over the 13 years he administered Fort Sam the Dog for me.  He will be missed.

"(2003) Hmm.  This dwelling may serve my needs for approximately 13 years after all..."

Monday, December 21, 2015



Good word.

Watch the video from a couple of seconds before launch (about 21:00) and stick with it for 15 minutes or so.  You won't be disappointed.

Nominal indeed.

There's a Balrog in the Woodpile.

President Tired of Being Better Than All Of Us says the problem is that we Just Don't Get It.

It's not that I'm afraid of ISIS, Mister President, I just don't like to see Orcs ascendant.  Especially Orcs that are coming here and killing Americans, and encouraging other people to join the Orc tribe by way of ISISing by proxy.

And it is entirely your fault and responsibility that Orcs are multiplying in the Misty Mountains.

Monday, November 30, 2015


I used to know this guy who had a manic wannabe Hunter S. Thompson youth that I caught the trailing edge of.  He survived himself and got normal, and I got lots of good-yet-sometimes-terrifying stories to tell.  One of them I was retelling many years ago involved him staggering up the basement steps of the house he was living in to scare his more straightlaced housemates into tottering off to the liquor store for more fuel for the raunchy drug-fest he was hosting downstairs.  At first they refused but he cowed them into obedience by pulling out a razor blade and proceeding to carve "FUCK YOU" into his own chest in front of them.

I saw the scars - he'd gotten through the "FUC" if I remember correctly.

Anyway, I was telling that one to a more jaded group a while later and one guy laughs and offers, completely reasonably, that he'd've wanted the whole phrase, and proper punctuation to boot.  After all, a threat's not a threat if you don't feel threatened, and self-harm can really only hurt the self.

So then there's these guys.

Anyone want to start up #sendmorethread with me?

Thursday, November 26, 2015

It's In the Trees - It's Squatting!

I don't even...


Happy Thanksgiving!

Monday, October 26, 2015


before there was textsfromlastnight, there was

#954315 +(260)- [X]
<@LAMMJohnson> I suspect Star Trek Into Darkness will be good but not great.
<@LAMMJohnson> My reasoning for this is thus                 
<@LAMMJohnson> Perfect score because all of its words have a length that is a power of 2.
<@LAMMJohnson> Minus one point because total letters is not a power of two.
<@LAMMJohnson> Not even including spaces.
<@LAMMJohnson> However, the letters in all of the words plus the number of words is 24.
<@LAMMJohnson> Overall score for the movie: 8.5                         
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Vice Executive of the Autism Department   
<@LAMMJohnson> The score, correctly, is a power of two marred with an ugly fraction.
<@LAMMJohnson> Although the fraction is 1/2
<@LAMMJohnson> Actually, the overall fraction is 17/20 which I pretty much hate.
<@LAMMJohnson> Which means I will initially think the movie is OK but then later change my mind and hate it.
<~chown> LAMMJohnson - Honourable Chairman of the Autism Empire

Friday, October 16, 2015

Vive la Différence!

"But Smasher, there's no palpable difference between the GOP and the DNC!"

They're both full of poltroons and thuggery to be sure, and I'd trust none of them behind me in a dark alley, as a rule.


Reading this Hayward post, I'm reminded of one stark difference:

The GOP expects and accepts questions from the Left.  The converse is never ever ever true.

Monday, October 5, 2015

Twilight Struggle: Playing the "Syrian Re-alignment" Card

Card Instructions: Red: Remove all U.S. Influence from Syria and Place Enough Soviet Influence in Syria for Control.

If you haven't played Twilight Struggle and are interested in the Cold War, go get a copy now.  I'll wait...

Now, I'm as big a "Team America: World Police" booster as there is.  Nationalistic pride and cool boomstick stockpiling aside, I really do think that the world is a much more dangerous place without Pax Americana.

But... Syria?  I find myself hard-pressed to care if Putin is sending a few An-124s full of vodka-soaked soldiers, technicians, and batteries of SAMs to prop up Assad the Chinless for another decade.  The rest of the region?  Well, I wanted to believe that the clarion call for liberty and democracy beat strong and hot in the breasts of the groaning masses of the Middle East - hell, I did believe it - but the data are in, and the data clearly show I was wrong: that beat is not strong (nor is their spine the bassline).  At best it beats in few enough of them that they're better off taking those breasts somewhere not in the Middle East and letting the place rot.

Besides, what the hell are good breasts going to do in the Middle East?  Sooner or later some jihadi is going to come along and just cover them up or saw them off anyway.

Short-sighted of me?  Maybe.  But we tried it my way for a while - why not try something different in that region for the next while?

Maybe it's a Blue card after all...

Saturday, September 12, 2015

Still Angry


Just remember, orcs ain't people.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Wanted: Attic, Diary, Pen. Length of Stay: Undetermined

[Emperor Palpatine voice]

Good.  Goooooood.

[/Emperor Palpatine voice]

Saturday, July 18, 2015

Politician Control

(Ran across this old post of mine from a forum I used to participate in frequently.  Made me laugh a little, reposting it here for funsies.)

I listened to 10 seconds of Cuomo's rant last night NY Gov. Cuomo pushes strict gun-control measures in wake of shootings - and his "Nobody NEEDS 10 bullets to kill a deer!" line got me thinking that, well, nobody NEEDS 10 politicians to pass a law. So I'm thinking that I might start a politician control movement to limit the horrifying things politicians do to ourselves, our children, and our society:

  1. No more than 5 politicians allowed per state.
  2. All bad politicians are banned, and may be confiscated by the state for disposal. Bad politicians are defined by such criteria as
    • Any politician having hair that does not move in a high wind.
    • Any politician that owns a blue suit.
    • Any politician with the letter "F" in their name.
  3. No politician may express more than 3 different positions on the same topic within a year's time.

Now, for those folks that are worried that my criteria are arbitrary and uninformed, I can only say that you must hate children and that the time has come to put an end to this sick culture where people feel the need to disagree with me. No one should be able to keep hundreds of politicians with thousands of power ties for any reason.

Who's with me?

Thursday, July 16, 2015


So if you're a good lefty liberal type watching your Monty Python DVDs, and you see one of them in blackface or redface, does your head explode?

If not, why not?